The Deafening Silence

See Evan Moore For Deliveries…

October 1, 2014

IMG_8173Tomorrow it will be 7 months have since Evan passed away and this has been the longest summer of my life. As August came to a close I commented to a friend that I wasn’t crying every day…mostly tearing up at the little things that still remind me of Evan. Songs, the one voice mail I saved-actually the only voicemail he ever left for me. I guess I had always answered his calls before that one. It was 3 days before he died. I cherish it.

Then last month Halloween Horror Nights launched for the staff of Universal Studios and people began posting about a beautiful tribute to Evan. A sign that read “See Evan Moore For Deliveries” outside one of the haunted houses. I don’t know why but when I saw that sign something in me just broke. At first I just didn’t think about it. But as the days ticked by the heaviness became something too real and true grief resurfaced taking me off guard.

Halloween was everything with Evan. Born October 20th to my October 19th he used to tease me that he was going to die first because he was “way better at Halloween than me”. And he was. Orange was his favorite color and his house was laden with all things skull and gargoyle. His table permanently set in Halloween placemats and cloth. It was who Evan was in so many ways.

Last year at this time he was so happy. Happier than I’d ever seen him. He was making beautiful amazing props and decorations for our upcoming birthday party. The theme was Steampunk & Classic Monsters. Our costumes were all hand designed as well-by both of us. Side by side. And they were beautiful. Frankenstein & Bride. It was one of the happiest times in my life. One year ago. Now this year that’s gone. Many of the beautiful props he made stare at me when I go into the garage. I know I should put them up but I just can’t. This will be my 45th birthday and I just don’t want to celebrate at all. I won’t plan anything-for anything that would be fun on October 19th would be stained by knowing that at 12:01 on October 20th it’s Evan’s birthday and he’s not here. The cake I made him last year won’t be made. It was so special. His mother passed when he was in his 20’s and as a little boy she made this very specific cake. I re-created it for him He was so so happy! Not this year.

I know many of you will read this and begin typing the usual “it gets better” “he’s always with you” and every other loving and supportive phrase I’ve heard 10,000 times since March 2, 2014. And I’ve appreciated every one of them. But they aren’t going to change how I feel. They aren’t going to bring him back. They aren’t going to make me feel like this will all be ok.

I KNOW it will. I’m certain of it. But like anything painful the knowledge that it will be over eventually doesn’t stop it from hurting at that moment. And it does. A lot. I tried dating off and on this summer. Forget it.  It’s not fair to them. And I get to hear “You know you sure talk a lot about Evan.” Ya think? He was my best friend. Had he been a woman best friend no one would think anything of it. But he wasn’t. He was Evan and I loved him. He made me feel like I wasn’t alone. He believed in me. He trusted me and I trusted him. He wasn’t perfect but who is?

I’m grateful for many things in this process. The tattoo on my forearm that reads “This is just the beginning…” and for all the archived recordings of our radio show that I listen to before I go to sleep to hear his voice. And for the photos and videos. I’m grateful that I knew him. That he was my person and I was his. I’m not yet grateful that I’m broken. I wonder at times if I’ll ever feel ok again.

He said so many times that I was going to lose someone very close to me and that I’d go through a dark tunnel. Well he was right. So so right. It’s dark and it’s hard and it sucks. But I keep hoping that the end of the tunnel is in sight. And that it’s not a train.

So my favorite holiday is now the most painful one. I’m sure I’ll get through it in one piece…and as time marches on I’ll still turn 45 on October 19. But you can bet on October 20 I’ll be finding some alone time to light a candle and talk to Evan. I know he’s here and he’s proud of all of us. I just wish he hadn’t left.

I’m grateful to those that organized Halloween Horror Nights this year and their thoughtfulness in their special tribute to Evan. He would have loved it. He DOES love it. My stupid WordPress is messed up ever since the upgrade to 4.0 so I can’t post a picture of his tribute. But it’s really cool.

-This is just the beginning