The Deafening Silence

365 Days

March 2, 2015

#EWM333Last April I wrote my first blog I called¬† “The Deafening Silence-35 Days”¬† I decided to begin writing after realizing that the pain I was experiencing at the loss of my Evan was something deep and profound. Something so real and so devastating that at times it felt like I was shattered. I often said that it was like there were all these little shiny shards-pieces of the person I had been floating all around. In the air, on the floor like bubbles or dust flying around. It was through this blog (and of course many other things) that I learned how to let my grief change me. How to allow Evan to transition, to expand on the Other side as he was meant to. It was how I learned how to pick up those shiny fragments of me and one by one place them back into my soul. Back into a place they could now fit. They were in different places than they were before he left. But they were still me. Still parts of me and my life. I wasn’t and am not the girl that got up March 2, 2014 so happy to be coming home from my daughter, Gina’s 18th birthday cruise. SO excited to drive to Kissimmee to see Evan. Read the link above for more about that, but suffice to say that seeing him that morning was ethereal. I had NO idea it would be for the last time. He glowed. And he was so loving and kind and really really wanted to be with me. It was a change from before. A good change. He was finally healed. A year and a half. That’s all the time we had here together, but it was enough time to see him go from “Angry Evan” (an affectionate term those he worked with at Universal used for him) to one of the kindest, most loving & healing souls I’ve ever had the honor to connect with and to help repair. He was whole that day. Full of love and life and we talked. We talked for 3 hours. He mentioned pretty much every person in his life that meant a lot to him. He gave me instructions that day…as he had been doing for about 3 weeks. What to do if “anything happened to me” as he would say. And he was serious. VERY serious. He knew he was leaving us. He told me many times in the 8 months before he transitioned. (He’s let me know in no uncertain terms through my friend Sam, I am not allowed to say “died” anymore. He’s not dead….he is simply in a different form. A bigger, better and more beautiful form.)

So I wrote. I shared the pain, the loss, the tears and the intense grief. The beauty that the pain brought to my life. The growth. I shared my weakness without abandon so that others in pain might just find solace and instruction on how THEY can be filled with love, even after someone they loved so much was gone.

So here I sit. Exactly one year later. As I write this it’s nearly 2:30 pm. One year ago it was around 2:30 pm that he began to say that he couldn’t get his heart rate to slow down. From that moment until I know he left his physical body at 3:33pm my blood ran like ice in my veins. The drive to the hospital, the fear and the knowing. His last words to me. The last words he would ever utter. “I’m dizzy-dizzy babe” as I was pulling into the ER. And that was it. Deafening Silence. Shock. Utter and absolute silence and shock.

No one can prepare you for loss this great. No one can understand the loneliness of the soul when it’s lost it’s Twin Flame. Waking up in the middle of the night-reaching for him and the bed is cold beside you-unslept in. You are alone. Alone with your thoughts and your memories. And Its all you have left. Or is it?

No. For in the last year I have changed so much I hardly recognize myself. They say that when you face a trial by fire you are cleansed & purified. I will say that this is true. When you are so lost and alone that nothing and no one can save you or help you…it is then that you hear that voice. Clear, calm. Loving. And STRONG. THAT voice is God. That voice is You. That voice is the most incredible force that anyone can ever encounter. It is there in the stillness of the night and in the darkness of the soul telling you, “It is ok. It’s going to BE ok and YOU are going to live. You are going to grow from this. You are going to help others and YOU are going to look back one day and your life will be filled with love and light. You will be grateful for this experience, Jamie. One Day You Will (Lady Antebellum..amazing song). One day.

Well today-365 days later at the exact time that I was first entering the darkest tunnel of my life I can honestly say it’s true. In this year I have:

Come to find peace with my chosen path

Learned to Validate myself

Learned that to love is always right….and it isn’t painful. Ever. That loss is just proof of love.

Flew to LA alone. Explored television with some amazing producers…but didn’t find that fit. That perfect scenario where I KNOW this work will be loved and respected. I know it’s coming and I’m finally ready. (You hear that Troy?)

Gave my heart to an incredible man who loves me unconditionally. Who’s held me as I cried missing Evan. Who understood on some deep level that he was there to help me heal and in return he has earned my love and my respect. I am eternally grateful that Scott is in my life and in my heart.

Stopped worrying about being perfect or what my hair looked like. Allowed the freedom and the beauty of ME to come to the surface.

Shed the title of “Psychic”. It was fine for a time and yes, I am one…but I am SO SO much more! I am a Healer. A Healer of Lives. And I love who I am.

I learned to love who I am.

I found ways to reach my children and to love them that didn’t exist before. I watched them grapple with my pain and their pain at this loss. I saw my daughter find love in an instant, my son live his dream and move to Colorado and my other daughter blossom into an incredible musical and theatrical artist.

I found a new friend who inspires me every single day with her incredible strength and resolve. Facing her own fears and kicking ass-standing up for what she knows to be right. She will change lives. She will inspire women everywhere. She loves me as do all my incredible friends unconditionally.

I sit today in the Hilton at Daytona Beach looking out at the water with a full heart. No fear. No residual pain or non-acceptance beside a man that lets me be me. I am full. I am at peace and I feel Evan as though he’s sitting right beside me cheering me on. I know that I’m on the brink of realizing my path and embracing it.

Recently I was given 3 wishes. I made all 3. And ALL 3 are in the process of coming true.

I am blessed. I am different and I am grateful.

Evan, you were and are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. You flew into my life and turned it upside down. You taught me the meaning of love. You taught me to accept imperfection. You showed me a life well lived. Your memorial was incredible. Several hours of your friends and family talking about you and your life and what you meant to all of us. I wish you could have been here. But I know you saw it all.

I close this beautiful blog today. It is complete. Perhaps I’ll begin a new one. Perhaps like the tattoo I got 3 days after Evan Transitioned this really is “Just the beginning” I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am so incredibly fortunate to be me. So incredibly blessed to have so much love and light in my life. I love you. The person reading this. I don’t even need to know your name. Close your eyes and feel me. You’ll know it’s true. Welcome to my world. Welcome to my open heart and I look forward to knowing you and helping you open yours as loving and losing and finding Evan again has done for me.

-This is just the beginning #EWM333

 

Love Madly,

Jamie