The Deafening Silence

Do Something Amazing Every Day?

May 9, 2014

Facebook-20140509-085145Some days are awesome. I see light and feel happy all day. And some days are really hard. Yesterday was a hard day. As I thought about why I realized that it’s the days when Evan is very active and I can feel him strongly that I miss him more. At least I think that’s what it is. Everything makes you tear up. Everything. And that’s ok. I let it happen. Although it’s hard to chop beef when your eyes are swimming, lol.

Last night was my daughter, Gina’s last performance as a Dazzler. 4 years of intense focus as a dancer. Her team at Seminole High #SHSDAZZLERS is at the top of the nation! They are truly amazing. Sitting there last night watching her dance so beautifully with her team mates I couldn’t help but remember the last time she saw Evan. It was at the UDA Championships at Disney’s Wide World Of Sports in February. Evan was SO proud! He was all business as he took photos. He had his beard then and we had one of the best days ever. Afterward we met up with her as she announced they took the National Title! He would have loved last night.

I found beautiful orange roses for her and her dad, Ken and I walked her across stage for the Senior Presentation. The second she came around the corner I started to cry. Ugh. It was just hard! She was wearing all white-as that is what she had danced to just prior to the song “Anything for you” by Meatloaf. After she finished that dance, right before we walked up she texted me “that was for Evan”. Yep you guessed it, more tears.

All day yesterday and all evening It was like he was sitting right there…and yes, I know he was-but it was so strong it made it impossible not to miss his physical form.

Every day is different. Every day is hard and every day is beautiful. It’s all in how you look at it. I have learned more in the past 2 months than I think I’ve ever learned in my life. I’ve learned to allow in a way that I never dreamed I could. The small things don’t bother me like they used to. I don’t care if I’m right. I don’t care if I’m wrong.

The day Evan passed he told me he’d seen a vision of me in the future and I was different. Very in shape and very beautiful. This from a man that never complimented me lol. Oddly I can feel myself changing-like I did in 2007.(it’s in my book Answers) It’s like The Boys are preparing me for something big (I KNOW they are) and I have to get ready. I’m chomping at the bit to get started on what I know is going to be the best phase of my life…but I have to prepare and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Dr. Mark turned me on to an awesome green drink I’m using every day and I’m back on my Vemma (THAT STUFF IS AWESOME-if you are looking for a great nutrition source that reduces inflammation among other awesome things, try it. I swear by it). I quit smoking and back in the gym. Overall I’m very focused on being the healthiest I can be. And that feels good. I know Evan is cheering me on and kicking my butt when I don’t want to lol.

I got a new bed this week. When Evan would stay over, my Queen just didn’t fit the bill once we added 2 cats and Peeta. I always said I was getting a King and I did. It’s hard knowing I’ll never cuddle up with him in it or sleep on his arm in it or watch stupid Evan TV in it. BUT I know he’s there. And hopefully he likes what I chose! White leather…totally different than my usual.

Ok enough rambling! I also redid my bathroom and on the wall is a sign that says “Do Something Amazing Every Day”. I like that. So what are you going to do that’s amazing today? I got up and put a beautiful plant I bought yesterday into a pot here and fertilized it and watered it in.  Somewhere in the process of losing Evan I gained a green thumb! Our Bonsai is thriving and that makes me so happy! I plan to have a whole porch of green things! And that feels great. Now, what else can I do that’s amazing today?

Try it! It’s pretty cool.

This is just the beginning… #EWM333