The Deafening Silence

I Love You…

May 14, 2014

loveI want to talk about love today.

After someone dies love becomes something confusing in many ways. Think about it. They die. Their Facebook becomes memorialized, their lives are tucked away neatly, cleared out, dealt with-sometimes with lots of unnecessary drama. And in the end their lives are placed into the “memories” category.

But what do you do with the love? To answer that we must first ask the question:

Why do we love?

Have you ever stopped to think about it? There are all kinds of answers-many involving another persons love for us. But in reality we love for one simple reason:


It’s really that simple. Same reason we forgive. Because WE deserve the amazing feelings it brings! But what about love after someone dies? Does it grow? Lessen? Stay the same? These are questions I’ve been asking myself these past couple of months. I love Evan. Always did. Right from the beginning. I loved him when he wasn’t honest with me. I loved him when he wouldn’t date me for a year and I didn’t understand. I loved him through everything and I still do. But I believe that loving someone can take on all kinds of forms. And I believe it shifts and changes.

I was married 3 times. No regrets. 3 beautiful men…and I learned from each of them. I still love all 3. Not like “Hey let’s share our lives every day” kind of love…but the “I smile when I think about you” kind.

So after someone dies does the feeling change? Do we “memorialize” the love so that we eventually make room for someone new? I don’t know. At this stage it doesn’t matter to me because I know one thing for sure.

Love is love. Doesn’t matter how strong or deep or pure or impure or imperfect or perfect. Its love. Period. And I am so happy that I am able to open my heart and love…even now.. I’ve always had this odd part to my make-up. I love everyone I see. If my eyes land on you-even online or via someone else talking about you—I love you. I remember you. I know and appreciate you. I suppose its the healer in me. And I’m really happy I have that strand in my DNA lol. I really am.

I wonder sometimes if I’ve ever been TRULY in love. How do you know? Those that have been say you just know. I think Evan and I both knew our relationship was not a forever man/woman thing. The love we shared was so much bigger than that…still is.

He was flawed. I’m flawed. We made mistakes and I still do. But now HE is in his beautiful higher form. No more human flaws. I’m grappling with that these days. Sometimes I’m pissed at things he did when he was here. But then I feel him there and he’s beautiful and amazing. It’s really taught me a lot about accepting our human imperfections and allowing MYSELF to be imperfect and allowing OTHERS to be imperfect! I guess that’s one of the bigger reasons Evan came into my life. To clearly illustrate what it means to be “perfectly imperfect”.

It is ONLY when you can love and accept all of who you are and all of what others are that you will find this amazing peace within you! And let me tell you something. When you KNOW you are Enough? And you KNOW everyone around you is Enough? ALL YOU FEEL IS LOVE! It’s so bad ass!

So…I love you-yep you. The person reading this. No…maybe I’ve never seen you or spoken to you but I can FEEL you when you read this because your energy is focused on me. And I love you. This is just the beginning… #EWM333