The Deafening Silence

Dear Grief…

June 13, 2014

images91127K2OIt’s been several weeks since I’ve updated my blog. There are several reasons for that. The biggest being that I didn’t want to. I was doing things. Accomplishing things. Growing things-especially my amazing plants with my new green thumb! I had surgery. I recovered. I did my radio show, did readings, guided my children, cooked food, rode miles and miles on my bike, loved my pets, hung out with my family, saw my daughter on America’s Got Talent and watched her graduate. Saw my other daughter decide to learn to play guitar all on her own and I get to listen to her through her door and I’m so amazed! I got to hang out with my beautiful, understated son who just makes my heart pound when he walks into a room he’s so beautiful and intelligent and I see this amazing creation becoming the man I knew he would be. I saw my buddy Landon earn his wings and my friend Sandy begin to create beautiful crystal filled vials that when you wear them make you feel like yummy magic (Check them out, trust me, you want one)… and I felt pretty good about all of it. But inside….in this one place….a special little spot I missed Evan. I miss Evan.

I met someone last weekend who showed me though kindness (yep cried on his shoulder for 2 hours as I told him the full story of Evan’s passing)…that will teach him to ask how did Evan die. Terry, “Mr. Boise” showed me that grief takes vacations. Breaks. And for just a moment in time you feel normal and funny and you feel like maybe, just maybe that horrible reality is fading. And it is. But it’s there-oh believe me it’s there and this past week it came out of it’s hiatus and hit me in the head with a shovel….lol. That reminds me with a smile of many times in the early part of my relationship with Evan I’d be pissed at something (NOONE could frustrate me like him) and he’d say or text “do you want to continue hitting me in the head with a shovel or would you like to resolve this?” Punk…lol. God I love him.

So after my two hour crying session I felt better. And I felt worse. I FELT. Then I went to see Dr. Mark for a chiropractic adjustment. I texted him afterward and said, “Seeing you makes my pain 10X worse and 10X better.” I then explained why. Dr. Mark and Evan were like brothers. So similar in nature and thought methodology. I met Dr. Mark when Evan brought me to his office to be adjusted a year and 1/2 ago. I fell in love instantly with his soul. He’s an amazing person and a good, loyal, caring friend. And he’s Evan. Evan is in that office and every single time I walk in I feel like my heart is being stabbed with a poison tipped knife. And I feel like the warmest blanket in the world is over my shoulders and I just want to crawl inside it. If that makes sense.

So for awhile I thought I would transition my blog into what we hear AFTER the Deafening Silence. But not yet. Not quite yet. There are still tears, deep, painful tears of longing. Conversations between me and my blue eyed beautiful man. Songs he sends me mostly daily via his cherished friend Alyssa.

I had something amazing happen this week! There was a friend of Evan’s I hadn’t met. I knew there were some negative areas with her and I that would need healing. The other night I spent 5 hours talking on the phone with her and I fell in love with another beautiful soul, collected and cherished from Evan’s life. And I’m so so so so grateful! All these shiny little pieces I’m putting back together. Information I didn’t have and someone I can text and giggle with over little private things only those closest to him know.

So today all I want to do is cry. But the tears are becoming something different. They are still tears of longing. They are still tears of pain…but along with them is this feeling of hope. I want to share it with you via the energy you feel when you read this-my favorite language. I want YOU in YOUR grief if it’s new or if it’s ancient but still fresh to know something:

It’s going to be ok. I promise you that. ALLOW your pain. Stand up, look it in the eye and say “Well hello asshole. Thank you for coming into my life and fucking it up. Thank you for shattering my hopes and dreams. Thank you for making my eyes puffy and for God’s sake giving me LITERALLY a hundred new grey hairs (that one was fun!). But thank you for the pain and the hurt because without it I wouldn’t be who I am becoming. I wouldn’t be repairing relationships too long dormant in pain and anger. I wouldn’t be this beautiful person that can cry…really cry and not give a damn that a gorgeous stranger is seeing snot come out of my nose and my eyes red and puffy.

You have give me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. You took from me the one thing I didn’t think I could live without. And you know what I found out? I can. I will and I am. And “without” has become a lie. I’ve learned that I’m not “without”…I’m simply with someone different. It’s still Evan…it’s just an Evan that lives in my soul, my mind as I hear his voice so clearly and my heart forever.

I’m strong. I’m beautiful. I love everyone my eyes see. I’m power and peace. I’m joy and gratitude. I’m creative. I’m the butterfly I saw in my visions so many years ago. I’m no longer waiting to see what or who I’ll be to this world. I AM that miracle. And it’s all because of YOU.

So dear Grief….thank you for the break. But I think I’ll continue our work now….

-This is just the beginning… #EWM333

I miss you buttface