When Evan first passed away just 2 1/2 months ago I spent most of the day-every day for weeks thinking about him. I was either replaying things we did or said or thinking about what I was doing without him and how much I missed him. I constantly looked at old videos and photos, listened to the recordings of our radio show, Cosmic Caffeine and in general just tried anything I could to feel close to him.
Lately I do less and less of that. Is that normal? I think so. Everyone gets to this point at a different rate. I think, like I’ve said in previous blogs that it all depends on whether you let your grief change you. I began to let go of “human” Evan and embraced the Evan that I know now. It was HARD-still is. But as I’ve done that I’ve been able to let go of some of the awful. Some of the horror. Some of the pain. Watching someone you love so much die? That’s something that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But I did it. And that scene will be in my mind for the rest of my life. It wasn’t horrible and dramatic like some have experienced-but it was a shock. A huge shock.
I remember driving him to the ER I was scared, but I was thinking about how I’d need to cancel the radio show that night and make sure someone was with Jaden as I was sure they would keep him there for at least most of the night. There was just no part of me that thought I would walk out of that hospital without him just a few short hours later. I just didn’t think that. Why would I? Evan was healthy and full of life. He was my rock and my biggest fan. And I was his.
So now, today it’s different. Hard to explain it exactly but it’s like my mind has moved to a different place. I still miss him all day long. I probably always will. But now I’m not craving that connection all the time. I guess in some ways it’s because I recognize I have it. He’s here. I believe that. He lets me know all the time. I talk to him and I laugh at some of the things I “hear” when I know he’s speaking..
Today I was doing a reading for lovely Rene. (she gave me permission to use her first name). I was explaining what it’s like to live without Evan’s physical form today. I said “It’s like when you go out into bright sunlight and you realize you left your sunglasses at home. You can’t go back and you are so frustrated because you know all day your eyes will be squinted and they will hurt. You might even get a headache. You wish you had just grabbed them on your way out the door. You imagine putting them on and feeling the cool dimness they provide. A shield or a shelter from the harshness of the sun.
That’s what it’s like. When I was with Evan I felt shielded and sheltered from some of the hardest things in life. He was always there, cool and comforting and part of me. Today the blinding sun of life hurts sometimes and he’s not here to wrap me up in those big arms and tell me “It’s ok butthead. It’s ok. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
Nope. I left my sunglasses at home. And Evan is gone.
But….I’m ok. Every day that goes by I feel this incredible joy and peace at my world and my life. I get it. I understand that he had to be over there. I don’t have to like it.
I wonder sometimes if I’ll forget his face or the way he smelled fresh from the shower laying on the bed with him arm around me shirtless. Warm and loving. Like lemons. That’s what I remember. And the feel of his heartbeat. I remember that too. But it’s fading and I keep wondering. Is it supposed to fade so that I can move on? Or am I somehow not holding on the way I’m supposed to. Or is there even a “supposed to” in this journey?
I don’t think there is. I think whatever way you process and heal is correct for YOU. I refuse to spend my life crying and sad. He’d be pissed! Saturday night I went out with my girlfriends and near the end of the night I’d had enough alcohol that the tears came. That’s what I do. I drink and I cry lol. That’s good I think. I let it all out and I process it. I wake up the next day feeling better with puffy eyes. And those that love me just hold me and help me through it. I’m so grateful for all of them.
I miss him. I miss us. I miss his arm at night and I miss my best friend. But I’m ok. I really am. I look forward to seeing him again one day-I know I will. It’s just a matter of time. Evan…I miss your face.
In the meantime I plan to make the most of this experience and share as much as I can with all of you!
-This is just the beginning… #EWM333