The Deafening Silence

“F**k The Boys!”

April 9, 2014

1452583_10202592324346424_553228010_nI remember that morning very well. Evan and I had been dating (not exclusively but getting to know eachother) about a month. He looks at me and says “I have to tell you something & you’re not going to like it”

All kinds of things raced through my head but I said, “Ok. What.”

He said, “I can’t date you. The Boys say no. And I know that if we keep dating now we won’t be friends and I’ll hurt you. I love you and I don’t want to do that.”

Well of course my reaction was “Argggggg….F*@k the Boys!” C’mon I’m human and I adored Evan and he was the first psychic/medium I’d dated-not to mention insanely hot. I was super stoked. Not to mention The Boys (my guides) had been bossing me around since 1997. They can take it.

As we talked that morning I began to understand why he felt the way he did and I resigned myself to being his “best friend”. But deep down? I really just figured I’d wait him out. That was mid December, 2012. That “waiting him out” took until November 27, 2013 lol. You could say Evan was stubborn. But you know the thing is, during that year we had some amazing adventures together. He came with me and the kids on our spring break trip to the beach, we took several weekend trips to the beach together. It was our place to recharge. Hit up some strip clubs (always a blast as we’d end up reading for the dancers lol) Hey you got to be where you can reach the people that need you!

I’d head to his place 1-2 evenings during the week, usually Tuesday and/or Thursday. We’d watch Face Off, CosPlay, Naked Vegas (Go Nix) & other favorites and on evenings when one of those wasn’t available we’d watch what I dubbed “Stupid Evan TV”. Seriously that man could find a show on Chinese rap star circus performers running for politics” and get hooked. BORING stuff like watching big trucks in the mud somewhere in who knows Alaska all cold and dirty panning for gold. The show would build drama until the end where 6 exhausted men shared a little pan of gold. Every week. But he loved them. Many of you wonder how I got SO good at Candy Crush (although I’ve been stuck on level 350 for about 2 weeks. But thanks to you guys I have 350 lives so I’ll get it eventually!). Anyway he’d watch Stupid Evan TV and I’d play Candy Crush and we’d invent all kinds of silly things to laugh at. Oh…and eat popcorn with WAY too much salt and whatever treasures were in the most current Universal bag. (see previous blog). He always had some little surprise for me and the memory of an elephant. He remembered I liked the rice crispy treats with the chocolate on top as opposed to his with M&M’s. I had boxers and tank tops (his) that he’d wash on Sundays and put back in my drawer. Monster slippers (seriously ridiculous) but I wore them because his house was always freezing! He’d laugh when I’d walk out in them but it was fun.

Sometimes we’d head out for dinner. Chilis and Applebees were favorites. By about 6 months into our relationship we operated like a machine. Unless he had a beer (usually just one) he’d have unsweet tea, extra lemon. Then I’d take one packet of sugar out of the bowl if it was closer to me and set it beside his glass. He’d put a napkin in front of me if they were in a stack-all the while we’d talk about whatever we happened to be discussing.

Saturday nights were always our nights. In the last 3 months I called it “Date night” and he’d say ” NO. You don’t date your girlfriend. That’s just silly. She’s your girlfriend. You spend time with her.” And I’d say, “Boy-you better be dating me when we are 85.” Sigh. Then we’d wake up on Sunday and head to Waffle House. Sometimes after we’d hit the Farmer’s Market in Celebration. We did that last day. What a beautiful day it was too. We bought a huge flat of strawberries and he’d planned to make fresh strawberry shortcake for dinner that evening. I can’t really eat strawberries now. Even the smell makes me sad. I’m sure I’ll get over it, but right now its just painful.

I’d head home around noon and hang out with my daughter, Jaden and Brenna-and anyone else that happened by. Then around 5 he’d come over (the animals would go nuts) and we’d make/eat dinner and get ready to do the show. THAT was my favorite day of the week for so long. It was predictable and wonderful in every way in it’s simplicity. That last day we’d planned to grill sausages & onions. Can’t eat that yet either.

After the show we’d pop a bowl of popcorn with way too much salt and head to my room to watch The Walking Dead. This was a solid plan and we never deviated unless it wasn’t on. Peeta would climb on the bed with us and stare at the popcorn bowl but never take any. We’d give him some of course.

Now remember, we are still JUST best friends. I always fell asleep first, usually on his chest listening to his heartbeat. Then I’d roll over and he’d automatically stick out his arm for me to lay on. It was just what we did. And it worked. It was safe, and loving and the closest friendship you could imagine. Even after we started dating we continued this exact pattern. I always slept really well with Evan. I’m not sure why. I think it has to do with the way my brain and energies work. It’s like I could let my guard down because he was just like me. I don’t know. But we’d often dream the same dreams.

On nights when we weren’t together we’d say “Meet you at the tree”. This came from an episode of Cosmic Caffeine from last February with Don Milton (very powerful show-starts off hilarious) where Evan underwent an intensive emotional healing session. At the end he was instructed to go to a safe place in his mind. He later told me he’d gone to this beautiful huge tree in a meadow and just leaned against the trunk. That’s where “our tree” came from.

I never know why I say all of this. I just start writing. I suppose he’s helping me get all of this out. I love it. Sure, it makes me sad at times, laugh at others but always connects me to him.

It’s like his beloved show at Universal (he did the Monster Make-up) BeetleJuice Graveyard Revue. Say BeetleJuice 3 times and he appears (there’s our 3 again). And I guess blogging does that for me.

BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE!!!!

Hello Evan. Good morning. What’s in store for us today. The bonsai is green and lush (thank you!) and Della is growing into a holy terror but when she’s sweet she’s the best, I have some Halloween stuff up in my bedroom-thanks for that & the season finale for Walking Dead was last Sunday-oh Duh…you watched with me.

Is it hard? Yeah. It’s really hard. But I’m not the first person to feel like this, nor will I be the last. When I think back over the memories I smile big because he was my best friend above and beyond everything else and he’s still here for me. I just have to open up my mind and relax and allow.

Here’s my new mantra I share with my clients:

“I am allowing all that is and I am willing and wanting.”

Just say it a few times until it makes sense. It’s a life changer!

This is just the beginning… #EWM333

Jamie

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