That first night-hell the whole first couple of weeks are a blur. I’d just passed my 90 days as a non-smoker the day Evan passed. He was pretty darn proud of me as I was of myself. But that night someone pressed a pack into my hand (grateful for that actually) and I smoked-a lot. I cried, I smoked I took pills that helped me sleep, pills that numbed the pain, all kinds of pills. And they all helped. Some moments I’d be in some kind of alternate reality where I felt like Evan would just come back. Just appear. Felt a little crazy but it helped. Some moments I didn’t think I COULD cry-even times when I probably should have. I just didn’t. And long about day 4 or 5 I sat myself down and told myself that until life had it’s “New Normal” I would just do and be and say and experience whatever I needed to in order to cope. I gave myself permission to grieve MY way. And I did.
I found comfort in all kinds of things from one of his famous graphic tees to his 4 porn star figurines that used to make me giggle. He always kept them on his desk right across from my side of his bed and I’d move them into compromising positions or put little paper clothes on them. We’d laugh. I love those naked dolls. Or the hat I swiped a couple months ago and vowed I’d bring back. Nope. I’m keeping it. And talk? Oh yes we had conversations. Evan hated it when I’d pee with the door open. Hahahaha so I did it as often as possible just to hear him complain. So now I always talk to him during those moments just to be me with him like I was before.
Many have asked me what it’s like for me-being a medium to “talk” to Evan. It’s actually pretty cool except his New Jersey bossy ways haven’t changed. He now has access to my thoughts any time he wants lol. It makes me smile. He’s gentle and loving but firm. I know it’s his voice because it comes with an all too familiar feeling of “him”. Just like thousands and thousands of times before with my clients-I know the words aren’t mine. They come quickly without thought on my part and I can hear his voice in my head. Similar to how you’d remember a dream.
Reality. Reality sucks. And pain is beautiful in it’s own way. It connects you. It breaks you down. Then you put the little shiny pieces back together and you become something different. Something more real. Yet something less human and more Divine. You face the darkest moments and they become light. YOU become light.
Our Cosmic Caffeine radio show last night had Dr. Karen Wyatt as a guest one year from the last time she was on our show. It was so powerful and beautiful…the whole show dealing with grief. Man did they make me stay vulnerable. I’m ok with that. My privacy went away a long time ago to allow this work to happen through me.
So as I sit here this morning I feel a sense of peace. A calm that comes from deep within. I know my purpose and I know why this happened-I accept that. But REALITY will be here. He’s gone. The him I knew and a new Evan has been introduced to me. Well hello there. I’m still glad we share this journey. I’m still glad I had the time with you I did. And I’m looking forward to where this journey is going to take us. Perhaps I’m beginning to see the light at the end of my dark tunnel-or maybe it’s a train. But either way I remember that you said you’d “be right beside me the whole way”. I’m counting on that butthead.
To those just beginning to feel the pain of loss. People will tell you it never goes away. It never gets better, etc. That’s not true. It only stays that way if you resist change. If you go with it and allow it to break you and help you reform into the beautiful creature its intended to make you into then you just may find that at the end of the tunnel is something so powerful and amazing you’ll stand in awe. I’m not there yet. But I can actually “see” it coming. I feel it in my dreams and in moments like this where I know he’s right here with me-urging me forward, loving me bigger than any love I’ve known. And I have hope-just a spark that all of this will become a beautiful butterfly in time.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it brings you peace and comfort and hope. I post a lot on Facebook so follow me. That stupid rule where you can only have 5,000 friends usually keeps me from adding more friends unless someone drops away-but I welcome you to my world. it’s quirky and sad at times, filled with laughter always and it’s mine. You are mine. I am yours and we are all in this together. Welcome friend.
This is just the beginning… #EWM333