35 days. So many times the passing of a month meant very little to me. Rushed through with so much to do. But not this time. 35 days that have changed my life so profoundly that I’m not even sure who I was before. Was I happier? On the surface I’d say yes without thinking about it. But deep down? No. I don’t think I was truly happy. Nor am I now. But there is this part of me…this new voice in me that whispers “You will be, you will be”. Because of this.
Evan is gone. Well sort of. His body died. Period. Gone. His things dispersed, matters cleared and his life memorialized in the minds and hearts of those he loved and loved him. Even thousands that didn’t know his earthly self but instinctively mourned the loss as though they had spent time with him while he was here. We will talk about that later. But suffice to say I’m learning what it means to know that someone is “gone”. At the same time he’s here. Oh yes he’s here. Same Jersey voice and accent and bossy attitude. “Get out of bed and wash your hair woman.” “Really? Duh. You are smarter than that.” “You’ll have time to cry later Babe (that’s what he always called me) We have work to do and little time to do it in.”
Ugh. I get it. I live in it. I immerse myself in it like a big giant black hole of pain. I get it. Evan said so many times over the past year and 1/2. “Jamie. I’ve seen something I have to tell you. You are about to go through a major loss. Bad. It’s going to be the worst experience of your life and you’ll be in a dark tunnel. No one can be in that tunnel with you but I need you to remember something after it happens. I’m going to be RIGHT there beside you the whole way. I promise. And when you emerge from the tunnel you will be changed in such an amazing way. Filled with light and your purpose and path will be clear and your ability to reach people, to be the Voice you were destined to be will be 10 fold. You are going to be ok. In time. I promise.”
I remember I said. “Ok thanks harbinger of good news (sarcasm is such a fun tool)…as long as it isn’t you.”
“I can’t promise that.” he said.
I felt my heart sink with those words spoken for the last time around mid February, 2014. But even then I refused to think about that horrible possibility. Evan was my best friend. He was my lover. He was the person I often wanted to smack in his beautiful face with a chair. He was my soul mate long before we met on November 14, 2012. Long before and we recognized each other immediately. I tell the whole story of how Evan and I met and the events leading up to his passing on March 2, 2014 in the online archive of our radio show. It was the show immediately following his passing. Rather than type it all again, I’ll just link it here so you can go listen to it. CLICK HERE Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Ok, where were we. Oh yes the tunnel. It’s my new home. Bit of a fixer upper to be honest and it’s pretty dank and lonely but it’s where I live these last 35 days. It’s dark walls envelope me in heartbreak to where I think I’ll go crazy. Then I don’t. By some miracle of human perseverance. By some Force beyond what I will probably ever understand. I don’t. I haven’t screamed. I’m not sure why…but I’ve screamed inside my mind. Where He lives. Where the new Evan comes to me. At first-in the fog-I just wanted to rewind. So I did. Watching videos-replaying scenes over and over in my mind as I’d remember them…clinging to any morsel of who he was to me-who he was with me. For who he was and who he IS are very different…and THAT is the defining factor. I’m learning that to move forward and begin to heal I must accept that he is no longer the Evan I’d goof off with and laugh with. The guy that hated it when I poked him in the belly button and hid things to drive his OCD to distraction. That guy. He’s gone. But in his place is a new Evan. An amazing, divine version of the man I love with all my heart and soul. The new Evan has little interest in the day to day stuff. No anger, jealousy or resentment…those are human emotions. No. he is love in vibrational form and he is with me and in me and around me always. I know this.
I suppose I’m better for it. This journey through grief, loss, and the worst part of all-the deafening silence. Even as an experienced Medium I struggle with the silence. There’s no texting (except when he’s messing with my phone or the phones of those that love him). There’s no hearing his voice except recorded versions with my ears. Nothing. He’s gone. I suppose the growth is taking me somewhere I could never have gone before. Grief is a key (yes Evan, I finally figured it out). It unlocks a private club that only those that have stared into the bleak future without the one they love can comprehend or even see.
I’ve always been strong. But not like this. I’ve never felt more human AND more Divine as I do now. I’m tired and it shows in my eyes.
He barged into my world and into my heart-to take up where we left off before. The villain and the hero all wrapped up in a beautiful blue-eyed package. I am forever changed.
So here we go Evan. Let’s take this journey. You want me to write? Here it is. I’m going to write and write and share all the awful, beautiful moments with those that either are where I am or will be. We all have pain. We all hurt. And as you’ve heard me say 1000 times..”Pain shared is pain reduced.” So let’s see where this path is going to take us.
This is just the beginning… #EWM333
I love you Butthead